


my first and last

by starwrights



Series: in bits and pieces [3]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Kinda, chae dodo - Freeform, mx theatre alter egos, son namjoo, yoo yeojoo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 14:02:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18316697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starwrights/pseuds/starwrights
Summary: Yeojoo isn’t blind. Even under the gloomy, flickering lights decorating her street, Namjoo’s smile was blinding.





	my first and last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi so welcome (again?) to this neverending saga. so uhhhh if you came here for soft bbs yeojoo and dodo you might get disappointed because this installment is gonna focus on yeojoo and namjoo's relationship. it will cross over the first fic though soOooOOOO, I think this works as a standalone fic and,,, yeah

Yeojoo isn’t sure when it started but she’s noticed something change in Namjoo.

For one, he doesn’t terrorize her as much as he did when she first entered her job. Even when he does, it’s almost as if it’s for show because Yeojoo knows the glint in Namjoo’s eyes when he’s hellbent on making her job more insufferable than it already is. That glint doesn’t show itself anymore, almost nonexistent as of late.

Another is that he’s been more… careful around her, as if one wrong move will break the supposed stalemate between them. Yeojoo has no idea what brought this on but she revels in it. Not having to deal with Namjoo being a douche is a blessing, really.

One afternoon, things take a turn for the weird when Namjoo offers to help Yeojoo with the dishes. There are warning sirens blaring in Yeojoo’s head and she takes a moment to seize up Namjoo and his intentions, long enough for it to be awkward, before she tells him to not bother at all.

He frowns then and backs off, says something along the lines of “Whatever, have it your way.” before stomping off to his room.

Every other day or so Namjoo would offer to help her do chores and somewhere along the line Yeojoo just let him because telling Namjoo to get lost gets pretty old if done in frequent succession. And it’s not like she’s losing anything here.

If the douche wants to help, let him.

But it doesn’t stop there. A month or so after Namjoo’s been helping her do her work, he offers to take her home and maybe it’s shock that makes Yeojoo agree but she spends the walk home in a daze. Namjoo doesn’t say a single word and Yeojoo almost forgets he was even there until she unlocks the front door and remembers to at least wave goodbye before closing the door behind her.

And Yeojoo isn’t blind. Even under the gloomy, flickering lights decorating her street, Namjoo’s smile was blinding.

 

-

 

It reaches its precipice one day when Namjoo’s mother was in a foul mood and had been taking it out by nitpicking every single thing Yeojoo’s done and Namjoo snapping at her to stop. Every single one of them is taken aback but it doesn’t take long for Namjoo’s mother to narrow her eyes and say, “What did you just say to me?”

Exhaling, Namjoo chances a glance at Yeojoo by the kitchen counter before he faces his mother.

“Sorry, mother,” Namjoo says. “What I wanted to say was that you’re stressing yourself out and I think it would be better if you took a break in your room.”

His mom raises a brow, looking like she’s considering her son’s suggestion.

Finally, she acquiesces, says, “You’re right.” She starts stalking off to the general direction of her room, but not without telling Namjoo to have the help bring her some wine later on. Yeojoo lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding when the Son matriarch is finally out of sight.

“You okay?” Namjoo asks, and it sounds hesitant, like he wasn’t sure if it was okay to ask.

“Yeah,” Yeojoo nods, trying to process what just happened. Namjoo does not disobey his mom. He does not tell her to _Shut the hell up_ , _mom. You’re being unreasonable_. If this happened a few months ago Namjoo would have watched Yeojoo suffer through one of his mom’s tirades and do nothing. He would have just sat there and enjoyed it.

He wouldn’t have defended her, or do anything remotely close to help.

So this? This does not make sense at all.

“I’ll take you home when you’re done,” says Namjoo but he sounds far away.

 

 

The walk home is like any other—quiet, awkward, almost unnerving. But today Yeojoo breaks their silence just before they reach her apartment.

“What the heck is wrong with you?” She asks, turning on her heel so she can face Namjoo. He almost crashes into her in surprise, stopping just before he does.

Yeojoo can see the cogs working in Namjoo’s brain and when her question finally processes, he looks affronted, almost defensive.

“What do you mean? I’m normal.”

“You wanted me to lick your fucking shoe when we first met,” Yeojoo points out, the curse slipping out without meaning to.

“Why are you being so nice now?”

“Can’t I want to change?” Namjoo says, but it’s poor reasoning.

“Yeah but why?” Yeojoo takes a step forward, not mindful of their close proximity. “Why are you suddenly being decent? You just yelled at your _mom._ Why are you be—”

“Because I like you!” Namjoo exclaims. He heaves a sigh then, one of his hands coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “God, you’re so dense.”

Yeojoo takes an unconscious step back, dumbfounded at what she just heard. There’s no rhyme or reason here. None of this makes sense and she tells him so once she gets back her bearings.

 _It doesn’t make sense_.

So why is her heart thundering against her chest?

“You’re—” Yeojoo tries to say. “You’re in over your head. You _can’t_ like me.”

Even to her, it sounds incredibly stupid.

“That doesn’t make sense,” Says Namjoo, an echo of Yeojoo’s thoughts. He looks confused, for one. Hurt, for another. “You can’t tell me—”

“You just can’t,” Yeojoo repeats and she sounds like she’s begging. She doesn’t know why she’s so worked up over this, why she feels tears gather at the corner of her eyes when she hasn’t felt the need to cry for _years._ It’s _so easy_ to reject Namjoo, so easy to tell him to fuck off and leave her be. She can find another job and it’s not like they see each other much in school anyway.

It should be easy and yet she can’t bring herself to say a few simple words so she just tells him to leave her alone before walking the rest of the way to her apartment, slamming her door shut once she gets inside.

She doesn’t show up for work the next day.

 

-

 

Yeojoo doesn’t show up for work for a week. She lies and calls one of the other help to say she’s sick and doesn’t say any more than that. She couldn’t afford to miss school though so she goes but she makes sure to steer away from any place Namjoo might occupy. Meaning, she’s holed up in her classroom during breaks. It’s a good thing she always brings lunch with her. This way she has a valid excuse on why she refuses to leave the classroom.

She only gathers enough of her will to go to work the following Monday. Mrs. Son only glares at her once before telling her to make up for everything she missed the past week and walking off to who knows where in this ridiculous mansion. The other help seem to be relieved that she’s back, and it’s a small reprieve that Yeojoo revels in.

“She’s been really grumpy since you’ve been sick,” Yeji says. “She keeps complaining about the food even when it tastes fine.”

“Has she?” Yeojoo asks absentmindedly. She’s checking the inside of the pantry, trying to think of what to cook for dinner. It usually isn’t hard to come up with something Mrs. Son would like but Yeojoo’s mind is on overdrive. She can’t help but think of how close Namjoo is right now, how he could show up in the kitchen any moment if he so wishes. After last week, Yeojoo isn’t sure how she’d face him even though there’s really nothing she should be afraid of.

It’s either he reverts back to being an asshole or just leave her alone like she asked. And it’s not like Yeojoo can’t handle any of those so why is she so nervous, so on edge at the prospect of facing Namjoo?

Yeji hums in confirmation, moving over to help Yeojoo carry her chosen ingredients back to the kitchen. She’s going to cook _sundubu-jigae_ with a few choice side dishes to appease Mrs. Son. If there’s one thing Mrs. Son hasn’t nitpicked or subtly insulted Yeojoo about, it’s her cooking.

Everything goes well for most of it. Cooking is something Yeojoo enjoys doing, something she finds herself lost in at times. The other help don’t bother with her once she gets going and besides, the kitchen is her domain, even here. She doesn’t venture out unless strictly needed, or when someone needs her help. In a way that sets her at ease. Unless Namjoo deliberately comes to the kitchen for her, Yeojoo wouldn’t have to face him for another day.

 

 

Yeojoo was just finishing up the dishes when Namjoo shows up at the kitchen entryway. She thought for sure he wouldn’t show up but she guesses she’s wrong about that. After one glance at him, Yeojoo goes back to drying the few plates left, deliberately ignoring Namjoo’s presence in hopes he’ll take the hint.

But he doesn’t. Instead he walks over and stands a few feet away. Yeojoo hears him heave a few sighs and say a few words before cutting himself of and doing it all over again. In any other situation, Yeojoo would have found it funny.

Finally, when she finishes, Namjoo manages to say, “Let me walk you home.”

Yeojoo exhales slowly, looking up from where she’s been fixing the contents of her bag. Namjoo looks nervous, hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. He’s not looking at her too, his eyes darting around the kitchen.

“No,” she says, zipping up her bag and shouldering it. Weirdly enough, saying the word leaves a bad taste in Yeojoo’s mouth.

“But—” stammers Namjoo. “I— We need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Yeojoo says, walking to the backdoor. She can hear Namjoo’s footsteps follow her and she stops just as she reaches the door.

“Namjoo,” She sighs, and she sounds tired. “You can’t— you can’t terrorize me for _months_ , suddenly act nice then confess and expect me to return your feelings.”

The surprise is evident with how Namjoo’s mouth drops open.

“I bet you don’t even like me,” Yeojoo continues. “You’re probably seeing me as some sort of challenge, right? Then when I cave you’re going to brag to all your friends, right?”

A flash of hurt passes by Namjoo’s face and a miniscule part of Yeojoo regrets ever saying the last few sentences. She ignores the urge to apologize.

“That’s not—”

“You can drop the act,” Yeojoo cuts him off. She doesn’t want to hear any of it. “You can stop pretending. Go back to being a douche or leave me alone, I don’t care, but stop whatever it is you’re trying to do because nothing’s going to happen.”

“Yeojoo, please.” The tone of his voice almost breaks Yeojoo’s resolve. Almost. But she knows better so she just shakes her head and walks away.

Namjoo doesn’t follow.

 

-

 

Namjoo backs off after that night and Yeojoo half expects him to revert back to being the asshole he was when they first met but he doesn’t. He simply leaves her alone and Yeojoo feels a mix of relief and weirdly enough, self-reproach.

After a few weeks or so though, he comes and asks to help her do her chores again. Yeojoo considers it for a while before nodding wordlessly and going back to work. She doesn’t fail to hear what sounds like a relieved sigh come out of him and she lets out a small huff of amusement. She still has no idea what he’s trying to achieve but he has been amiable despite what went down between them so she lets him be. And it’s not like she’s going to lose anything from letting him help. She just has to maintain distance to make sure nothing happens again.

Hopefully.

 

-

 

Maybe they’re friends. Or something close, something akin to it.

A month or so had passed since Namjoo’s been helping her with her work and Yeojoo’s surprised how Namjoo’s been consistent. She was sure he’d tire of his charade but almost every day, without fail, he comes by to the kitchen to help her around or sometimes just keep her company.

They’ve evolved from bone-chilling silence to amicable conversations about their friends or their workload as students. Sometimes Namjoo asks her to help him with school work and Yeojoo obliges because academics are something she enjoys doing and there’s no real harm with helping Namjoo. Occasional banter has somehow made it into their dynamic as well and just recently, Namjoo even waved at her when they passed by each other at school when he usually just ignores her.

Namjoo’s friends had looked surprised too, as well as Minji. Yeojoo had to explain why Namjoo’s not being a snob to Minji and it went like this: Recently, Namjoo’s been really nice and had been helping her with her job. She’s not sure what brought this up but come to think of it, he’s been asking for help with schoolwork so maybe it’s because of that. They’re somewhat civil now and Yeojoo isn’t going to complain because it’s better than Namjoo being an asshole.

Yeojoo conveniently leaves out his confession and her subsequent reaction. Minji looks skeptical at her story, but she nods and says, “I guess even Namjoo needs help with his acads.” and proceeds to gush about how _Yeojoo’s so, so smart_ and _oh my god, Yeojoo you make me proud._

Yeojoo just laughs at Minji’s antics and denies her praise. More than smart, Yeojoo just thinks she’s really studious. It’s not hard to learn when it’s something you love doing, nor is it hard when you’re focused and determined.

Anyway, though Yeojoo doubts it, she thinks Namjoo and her are somewhat friends. Sans his confession, maybe everything else he said wasn’t a lie. Maybe he did want to change, realized he was such an asshole all this time and decided it was time to stop.

Whatever his reasons, Yeojoo won’t complain, nor will she pry.

 

-

 

They’re studying by the kitchen island one day, Yeojoo waiting for the food to cook and Namjoo pouring over Korean literature because that’s his worst subject, when Mrs. Son walks in and says, “I don’t pay you to study, Yeojoo.”

Yeojoo immediately apologizes, scrambling to put away her notebooks and pen before returning by the kitchen island. When she chances a glance at Namjoo, he’s looking at her with a worried frown. She shoots him what she hopes is a reassuring smile before training her eyes on the floor. It won’t do good to look at Mrs. Son now.

“And what are you doing here?” Yeojoo hears Mrs. Son ask.

“Studying,” Namjoo answers.

Peeking through her fringe, Yeojoo can see Mrs. Son raise a brow and cross her arms across her chest. She does not look amused.

“You have your room for that,” She states simply. From the tone of her voice, Yeojoo can tell she’s in one of her moods. And from the looks of it, it’s worse enough that even her dearest son isn’t spared.

“Yeah but,” Namjoo pauses, seemingly contemplating his words. In the end, he decides with, “I needed help.”

“From?” Mrs. Son asks incredulously. “Yeojoo? What can _she_ help you with?”

Yeojoo’s learned by now to never take anything Mrs. Son says to heart. She also isn’t someone who would budge just because of a few underhanded insults but somehow, Mrs. Son’s words today sting and she barely contains a sigh from escaping her lips.

“Literature,” Namjoo says, almost offhandedly. Yeojoo looks up just in time to see Mrs. Son’s brows rise.

“And maths, and science,” continues Namjoo. He looks at Yeojoo from the corner of his eyes. “She’s really smart.”

“Are you defending her?” Mrs. Son’s voice is getting dangerously high and it grates on Yeojoo’s ears. “What—”

“I’m not defending anyone,” Namjoo interjects, sighing. He looks like he’s two seconds away from rolling his eyes. He doesn’t though, because that’ll only aggravate his mother even more. “I’m just saying it as it is.”

For some reason, this renders Mrs. Son speechless. Namjoo sounds… resigned, like he can’t bear to deal with his mom anymore and maybe it’s what makes Mrs. Son reevaluate. She flounders for a few moments, her eyes flitting from Yeojoo to Namjoo in quick succession. When she opens her mouth to say something the pressure cooker starts whistling, effectively cutting her off.

Moving to turn off the stove, Yeojoo busies herself with prying open the pressure cooker. She doesn’t dare look at the two people still standing quiet just a few meters away.

Finally after a few moments, she hears Namjoo say, “Just let it go, mom. The stress is just getting to you.”

Yeojoo doesn’t hear a reply until after she’s put in a few choice vegetables into the pot, stirring everything almost robotically.

“Maybe,” She says and Yeojoo’s surprised she’s not putting up a fight. “It’s the fine dust. And the merger. God, your father’s useless.”

She stalks off after reminding Yeojoo not so nicely about why exactly she pays the girl and Yeojoo’s just thankful she doesn’t have to sit through another one of her tirades. Small mercies, really.

Both of them watch her go and exhale in relief at the same time when they’re pretty sure she’s out of earshot. This prompts a snort out of Yeojoo and they catch each other’s eyes before bursting into laughter.

“Close call?”

“Very close call.” Yeojoo agrees, starting up the stove again. She doesn’t replace the lid since the meat’s tender enough and she doesn’t want the vegetables to get soggy. When she turns to Namjoo, he’s smiling at her, eyes crinkled up and looking almost… fond.

It triggers something in Yeojoo and suddenly, the huge kitchen feels incredibly small. Her breath catches in her throat and before she can say anything, Namjoo goes back to his work.

Namjoo doesn’t say anything else and they work in companionable silence, only occasionally broken by Namjoo’s questions about passages he doesn’t understand. Yeojoo helps him of course, but she stays by her place near the stove. She still feels like she’s suffocating, like there’s a weight on her chest she can’t explain and it gets heavier every time Namjoo calls her name or thanks her for her help.

It’s foreign and it’s new. It’s not something she’s ever felt before. It’s not the same weight she felt when her mother left, and when her father… followed. It isn’t the same as when Hoseok said he was going to work abroad, leaving Yeojoo to basically fend for herself. It’s not loneliness because that’s something Yeojoo knows all too well, it’s not grief or anger or anything remotely close.

It’s not something she can name because it’s so unfamiliar that she doesn’t know where to start, can’t even begin to guess what it is.

She’s so caught up in her thoughts that she barely hears Namjoo when he says, “I’ll take you home later?”

It’s phrased almost like a question, as if he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to ask such a thing and Yeojoo realizes it’s because it’s the first time he’s asked since all those months ago.

She doesn’t answer immediately and Namjoo waits, looking at her with eyes so hopeful that has Yeojoo’s breath catching in her throat for the second time that day.

She can only really say, “Okay.”

 

 

Yeojoo stays quiet the entire walk home.

Namjoo seemed to have wanted to talk at first but Yeojoo only really gave one-worded or stilted answers so he eventually gave up. He seemed content though, just walking beside her. It isn’t until they’re in front of Yeojoo’s apartment that Yeojoo says, “Thanks for walking me home.” She tacks in, “And for earlier, with your mom. I honestly appreciate it.”

“It no problem,” Namjoo replies, shooting her a small smile. He looks boyish like this, almost shy with how he’s rubbing the back of his neck, his eyes darting from one place to another before landing on Yeojoo again.

“Still,” Yeojoo says, fidgeting with the hem of her skirt. “You didn’t have to. I’m used to her by now.”

“Yeah,” Namjoo says, huffing out a laugh. He smiles at her again and his eyes look oh so fond and oh so gentle and the weight from earlier comes back, heavier than ever. “I know. She can be… troublesome.”

Yeojoo laughs at that, smiling up at Namjoo. He grins too, a hand still on his nape. And they just stay like that, laughing under the faulty street lights before Namjoo visibly reigns himself in and speaks up.

“I wasn’t lying, you know.” Namjoo’s voice is soft, like if he says it any louder he’d scare her away. “I meant everything I said.”

Yeojoo tilts her head slightly, confused. She doesn’t know why Namjoo’s telling her this. “I know and I—”

“I mean _everything_ ,” Namjoo continues, cutting her off. “Even back then.”

“What?” Yeojoo stops fidgeting with her skirt long enough to look up to his face. She’s been staring at everything but Namjoo this whole time.

He looks frustrated, even a little exasperated but even Yeojoo can see there’s adoration in his eyes with the way he looks at her.

“I really, _really_ like you, Yeojoo.”

Yeojoo feels like breaking.

“I don’t know how I’d make you believe but I—”

Her ears are ringing and she doesn’t hear the rest of what he says. The incessant thudding of her heart is the loudest thing she can comprehend right now and Namjoo probably sees something in her expression that makes him say the next few words.

“You don’t have to return my feelings,” he says hurriedly. “You really don’t have to. I just wanted to let you know. And if you decide you don’t want to talk to me or have anything to do with me after, that’s fine but I…” he falters then, seemingly at a loss.

“...I just wanted you to know.”

Maybe it’s the consistency. Maybe it’s the change, or maybe it’s the expression on his face or the tone of his voice. Maybe it’s the way he’s looking at her like she’s precious, like she’s someone he’d want to protect, like he’d give the world if she asked.

Maybe it’s none of those. Maybe it’s every single one but something compels Yeojoo to tell him, “I’ll think about it,” in a voice so quiet it barely carries over.

Namjoo hears her enough, apparently, because his hands move as if to hold her but stops just before he can. “What?”

“I said,” Yeojoo says and weirdly enough, the weight on her shoulders lighten a bit and she can finally breathe. “I’ll think about it.”

Namjoo looks like he’s holding back a grin, biting his lower lip and looking away and Yeojoo’s reminded of the first time he took her home, of that blinding smile he afforded her with all those months ago.

She steps back then, a little, and glances back at her apartment. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” he says and this time he grins, all goofy and big, his face scrunching up almost adorably—something Yeojoo never thought she’d use to describe him. “Okay.”

She returns it, although smaller, more reserved but it’s enough, apparently.

It’s enough, until somewhere along the way, it isn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe namjoo wasn't such a douche after all
> 
> okay but honestly I just wanted to show hOW YEOJOO DIDN'T JUST FALL BLINDLY IN LOVE WITH NAMJOO who is an ass, kind of, yes, maybe? and why she left him so, uh, easily(?), in the next chapter(s??????). basically, I didn't want to discredit her character, if that makes sense? also I promise dodo's gonna show up in the next chapter. 
> 
> and, as always, thank you so much for reading!


End file.
